i promise i exist!

cw: discussion of trans stuff and health
as i think i explained it to my boss, physical health issues + mental/emotional health issues + the world sucks to be trans in right now = hahahahahah i’m not doing the best.

around a month ago ish, i got my cool new tattoo of some plants, and then had an appointment at howard brown to start HRT. we wound up learning that i have a mystery heart condition and they recommended i not start T yet. so not only am i in Big Dysphoria Zone but also i have a weird heart problem to worry about! i’ve got a cardiology appointment set for next week, but it feels like T is just never going to happen, so that’s cool.

on the plus side, dee and i (with the help of a lot of friends) got our house rearranged and we’re sitting at like 85% complete. i got a new PSU for my gaming rig, just in time to end up working from home for weeks in a row because my anxiety and depression have been so bad.

BUT tomorrow i’m going on an amtrak trip to detroit to speak at a conference, so that should be nice. hopefully i can keep myself together and not dissociate the entire time!

plants and tattoos of plants

i’ve been working in my garden every day since sunday, and my mood has been noticeably better. turns out that when you’re having daily panic attacks due to feeling like you have no control over your life, asserting your complete control over a patch of earth is healing.

also i got a beautiful and charming tattoo of three little potted plants, pics to come once it’s healed.

how i made my weekends less miserable

I used to finish off my Fridays at work by rushing to finish everything I had left to do, making myself stop at 5pm, and then anxiously worrying the entire weekend about what I had to do on Monday. It wasn’t so much that I dreaded going to work, but that I felt like I had to keep thinking about work the entire damn weekend. And I wanted to, well, stop! It’s taken about 6 months of thought and testing, and I’m now in a place where I leave at 5pm on Friday being happy and not really thinking about work again until Monday morning. Here’s my Friday afternoon process that makes this work:

  1. Check in with my boss at 2pm (initiated by him) in a Slack DM about the generalities of how my week has been. This is something he does with everyone, and I used to always make this conversation about what I did this week and what I plan to do next week. Instead, I focus on how I’m doing, am I overstressed, am I confused, etc. I make it about how I’m doing emotionally at work, and I get help and feedback from him that’s way more helpful now.
  2. Around 3pm, start drafting an email to my boss and the two company partners about what I did this week, what’s I’m doing next week, and anything I need their help with. Since I was promoted to accessibility lead in December, I’ve been essentially a one-person team, and I’m in charge of managing all my own time and priorities. This email started as more of a straightforward list of activities, but now there’s so much I do in a week that it’s just the highlights. I also end each email with a simple, short ask of them in the next week and a cute gif about the weekend. So far, I’ve managed to find a unique gif each week and finding just the right one is kinda my ending ritual for the week.
  3. I’ve moved my Getting Things Done weekly review from Monday mornings to Sunday nights and now to Friday afternoons. It means that my brain is completely clear of work cluttered, and everything’s been entered in Todoist for next week and scheduled. I don’t have to worry over the weekend anymore, because Todoist does the worrying for me, haha.

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